Love and Respect . . . and the New York Times

A marriage falls into trouble when partners fail to appreciate the love a woman most desires and the respect a man desperately needs. In Ephesians 5:33, a man is commanded love his wife and a woman is commanded to respect her husband. There's a reason why love is expected of one respect is expected of the other. Emerson Eggerichs has built an entire marriage seminar on this biblical insight. Diane and I have been watching his Love and Respect seminar in a 13-session DVD with about 20 couples and leading a discussion after each session.

That's why a piece in the October 2 New York Times caught my eye: "Marital Spats, Taken to Heart." The report covered the findings of a major study on the different ways that marital disagreements impact physical health for men and for women:

A study of nearly 4,000 men and women from Framingham, Mass., asked whether they typically vented their feelings or kept quiet in arguments with their spouse. Notably, 32 percent of the men and 23 percent of the women said they typically bottled up their feelings during a marital spat.

In men, keeping quiet during a fight didn’t have any measurable effect on health. But women who didn’t speak their minds in those fights were four times as likely to die during the 10-year study period as women who always told their husbands how they felt, according to the July report in Psychosomatic Medicine. Whether the woman reported being in a happy marriage or an unhappy marriage didn’t change her risk.

The tendency to bottle up feelings during a fight is known as self-silencing. For men, it may simply be a calculated but harmless decision to keep the peace. But when women stay quiet, it takes a surprising physical toll.

. . .

For women, whether a husband’s arguing style was warm or hostile had the biggest effect on her heart health. Dr. Smith notes that in a fight about money, for instance, one man said, “Did you pass elementary school math?” But another said, “Bless you, you are not so good with the checkbook, but you’re good at other things.” In both exchanges, the husband was criticizing his wife’s money management skills, but the second comment was infused with a level of warmth. In the study, a warm style of arguing by either spouse lowered the wife’s risk of heart disease.

But arguing style affected men and women differently. The level of warmth or hostility had no effect on a man’s heart health. For a man, heart risk increased if disagreements with his wife involved a battle for control.

Notice the results of the study: a woman who feels loved, even during an argument, has a lower risk of heart disease. For men, however, disagreements didn't impact heart health unless the arguments were perceived as a battle for control (i.e., respect).

It's hard to get away from the wisdom of the Bible. Lack of a husband's love can physically impact a wife, and the absence of a wife's respect can physically impact a husband. Dr. Eggerichs is bringing his Love and Respect conference to Austin in November. Get more information here.